Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
