you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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