She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
