I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
