I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
