I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
