Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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