I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
