Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If I die, sorry about rent.
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