You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
