my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
