Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
