well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
