In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
