Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
