I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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