im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
