bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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