end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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