I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dear god my vagina.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
