Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If I had your ass I would rule the world
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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