i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
