So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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