I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
