new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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