hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
