I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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