i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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