Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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