winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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