1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
