I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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