remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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