Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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