I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
