Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just want nice things and good sex
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
