My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
