Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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