You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
