I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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