Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
