Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
