Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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