it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
