yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
