i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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