Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
