the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
