It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
