Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
