She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
