I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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